10-15-08
Time for two more twisted tales of Dumb News, brothers and sisters, so strap in, because these two tonight take the cake...
GRAND JUNCTION, Colo. (AP) -- Troopers say a driver whose vehicle rolled on Interstate 70 after she tried to break up a fight between two cats riding on her lap ended up in the hospital.
The Colorado State Patrol says the woman suffered non-life threatening injuries.
The crash happened Monday near DeBeque. A car and a semitrailer both swerved off the road so they wouldn't hit the woman's vehicle.
The woman was ticketed for careless driving. She was not wearing a seat belt.
Her name was not released.
I've only got two words for this freakin' idiot: pet carriers! Now, on to our next story, which makes me feel like an overacheiver, and I'm a slacker!
Kevin Pyle, 35, gets his son to drive him slowly around the block and, with his arm stretched out of the window, holds a lead attached to his bull mastiff Bruce, who walks alongside.
He claims to cover around four miles a week but never does any walking himself.
He said: "It sounds terrible that I take Bruce for a walk like that, but it saves me from getting wet when it's raining. He really enjoys it and it saves my legs."
Now he's won the title of being the region's Great North Bum.
Mr Pyle, of Fenham, Newcastle, was nominated for the competition by his 18-year-old son Karl.
"My dad is the laziest person I know. When he gets in from work he has a bath and goes straight to bed. He just lies there and watches the TV," said Karl.
"He even shouts down the stairs for us to go up and turn the channel over for him. But even we couldn't believe it when he came up with the idea to take Bruce for a walk like that.
"Dad goes to work at around 4.30am to 5am and he gets me up so I can drive around the block while he holds Bruce's lead. He is so lazy and deserves the title."
Karl heard the competition to find the Great North Bum on Century Radio and nominated his dad without hesitation.
Competition bosses say he won by a landslide.
Using the car to walk the dog? No, wait, his SON drove while he held the leash out the window! Good Lord, man! I thought I was lazy, but even I'll get up if I don't have a remote handy! This man is the biggest waste of oxygen in the known universe! Well, maybe not that big, but GOD that's one lazy jackass!
Make sure to tune into Farley's Dumb Fun Show every night at 11pm for Dumb News. It's news that makes us all feel alot smarter.
10-08-08
Welcome to another double shot of Dumb News! Our first story involves two guys who stole from a convenience store, and I think they might have been smokin' some of that wacky tobaccy, but you be the judge...
TWO newsagency break-in suspects were nabbed when they decided to get some shut-eye on the store's roof, a court has been told.
The Ipswich Magistrate's Court was told Chrystopher-Lee Schaeffer, 21, and a 16-year-old friend were found asleep huddled under a dog blanket on the roof of the North Ipswich Newsagency on July 23.
Prosecutor Jo Colston said police were called to the newsagency when the owners reported a suspected break-in at about 1.50am.
Constable Colston said when police arrived they found Schaeffer and the boy asleep and surrounded by various magazines, drinks, food and the popular dog food treat "Schmackos".
The court was told the juvenile offender fronted the Ipswich Children's Court on Monday was ordered to perform community service.
Schaeffer yesterday pleaded guilty to one count each of entering a premises with intent to commit an offence and illegally being in or on a premises.
Solicitor Matthew Fairclough, for Schaeffer, said his client had led a relatively itinerant lifestyle and could not say precisely why the pair thought it was good idea to take the dog food.
"I'm not sure why the Schmackos dog (treats) were taken," a smiling Mr Fairclough said.
He said the pair had not broken into the newsagency itself but had taken the items from a open storage shed loaded with store supplies.
Acting magistrate Haydn Stjernqvist ordered Schaeffer to perform 50 hours of community service.
The two reasons I think these guys were taking the pot: 1- after they stole from the place, they took a nap on the ROOF 2- DOG TREATS?? Either way, these guys are dumb with a capital D! They aren't as idiotic as our next Dumb News casualty from Massachusetts...
AMHERST, Mass. -- A tailgater skinny dipping inside a truck bed at a University of Massachusetts football game has been charged with assault for allegedly kneeing a campus police officer in the groin.
Deputy Chief Patrick Archbald said a 21-year-old man was among several fans splashing around in the back of a pickup truck before Saturday's game against the University of Delaware.
When police told them to stop, the man refused to get out. He then approached an officer and kneed him twice in the groin, Archbald said.
The officer, whom Archbald did not name, was given morphine at a hospital. He could miss up to two weeks of work.
The man was charged with assault and battery on a police officer, resisting arrest and disorderly conduct.
How freakin' out of it was this guy. Again let's break this down a bit: 1- SKINNY DIPPING in a pool that you created in the bed of your TRUCK 2- Kneeing an officer of the law twice, and in the freakin' GROIN to top it off 3- It's a University of Massachusetts football game! I know how crazy we SEC fans can be, but I've never heard of something this idiotic at any SEC tailgate party! Add all that up and you've got a doozy of a Dumb News story, brothers and sisters!
Make sure to tune into Farley's Dumb Fun Show every night at 11pm for Dumb News. It's news that makes us all feel alot smarter.
10-07-08
Our first installment of Dumb News tonight comes from what is possibly the most insane state in the union, Florida. Trust me, I lived there for a long time! This has to do with a patient and loving school bus driver. Yeah, if that was the case, this wouldn't be Dumb News!
DAYTONA BEACH, Fla. - Some students aboard a school bus in Volusia County said it was a terrifying ride home for them on Monday afternoon.
The students the driver stopped the bus on some railroad tracks along International Speedway Boulevard and refused to move until the children quieted down.
During the incident, the Campbell Middle School students said a train approached them.
"I saw the train coming, and I was looking up above, and I saw the rail guard coming down, so she started to back up," student Seth Pittell said.
"But if a train is coming, their life is in danger. You're putting their lives in danger, and you're yelling at them, and you won't back up the bus? She was threatening to get off the bus and have us just sit there," student Joseph Geist said.
A parent of one of the children aboard the bus said he believes the incident could have been handled better.
"You pull of in a safe place and discipline them and turn it down. You don't try to kill the kids. You don't threaten them," parent Glen Teschner said.
Officials with Volusia County Schools said the driver has been relieved of her duties. The incident will be reviewed using videotapes from aboard the bus to help investigators learn more about what happened.
A parents says that he believes that the situation could've been handled better? No, really, Ace? You're kidding! I suppose she could've driven towards the train head on, eh? Enough of this craziness and onto some new craziness. Our next story is the lamest excuse I've heard of for a father not to pay child support...
SELKIRK, Man. -- A Manitoba man is suing the mother of his child, claiming he shouldn't have to pay child support because he was asleep when she had sex with him.
In a statement of claim filed in Manitoba Court of Queen's Bench last week, the man from Tyndall, Man., claims he was visiting the woman from Selkirk in late 2006 when he fell asleep.
The man alleges he woke up and found the woman was having sexual intercourse with him.
The man says when he "demanded that she cease and desist" she complied. But about nine months later the woman gave birth to a child that he agrees is his.
No statement of defence has been filed and the allegations have not been proven in court.
According to court records, the woman launched a court action for child support in Manitoba Court of Queen's Bench last year.
The man is seeking damages including mental distress and anxiety, as well as reimbursement for all child support expenses paid and payable by him.
I don't mean to be crude or crass here, brothers and sisters, but what kind of sex are you having when you're sleeping through it? And, frankly, I certainly don't buythat he "demanded that she cease and desist". What man does that? I think you're going to have to pay up, Mr Dead Beat Hockey Dad!
Make sure to tune into Farley's Dumb Fun Show every night at 11pm for Dumb News. It's news that makes us all feel alot smarter.
10-06-08
Tonight's first story of dumbness comes to us all the way from San Antonio. Guess they got their share of dummies just like every state...
Police on Sunday found 15 San Antonio Express-News vending machines — all emptied of their contents — inside a South Side motel room that a man had reserved using his actual name, police said.
“All the newspapers are gone,” Officer Raul Gonzaba said. “All the change is gone.”
Gonzaba would not release the name of the suspected thief until an arrest is made.
A manager of the Sunset Inn Motel in the 1100 block of Roosevelt Ave. found the stolen vending machines with cut locks and called police because he “wants them out,” Gonzaba said.
Now, there have been times in my life when I've been flat ass broke, but it never, EVER ourred to me to steal newspaper machines. Plus, if they still had papers in them, there probably wasn't a bunch of change in them!Well, that's the kind of gutter level IQ that it takes to get in Dumb News. Our second story, well... While the teachers having sex with their students is a horrible thing, this is just... Revolting... Oh, and stupid!
AUGUSTA, Ga -- A bombshell out of the Richmond County school system. Were Spirit Creek Middle School faculty members having sex with each other on campus while class was in session last year? That's the question at the heart of an investigation.
An e-mail sparked an internal affairs investigation at the Richmond County school system and tonight parents and Superintendent Dr. Dana Bedden are talking only to News 12.
Class is in session this year at Spirit Creek Middle, but what may have happened there last year between faculty members is now under investigation.
The allegations include accusations that faculty members were having sex with each other here on school property during school hours.
The accused include teachers, members of the administration and a former school public safety officer.
"Wow. Wow. That's shocking. That's really shocking." Bonita Blocker's daughter is a seventh grader at Spirit Creek Middle School. "Anything like that should not be going on in the school system especially with the testing scores that we're putting out here -- everything that they do here should be concentrating on the children."
Superintendent Dr. Dana Bedden agrees. "Initially some of the things communicated you would think should be something that's people's personal nature but then when they are making allegations of this happening at school, then yeah it becomes shocking."
It's the first investigation like this Dr. Bedden has seen in his career. "The nature of the allegations as well as the fact it could lead to someone not having a job or the ability to effective in their job makes it very very important people don't jump to conclusions."
So he's asking the community and parents for patience. "If they turn out to be true, it's very serious with the pieces that's been levied as accusations but the the first thing we want to do is make sure we are fair and make sure we do a full investigation."
That could take time. But Bonita agrees it's worth it. "Morally, ethically wrong. Just totally wrong. I pray that there is no substance to it but if there is, I know Dr. Bedden will deal with it accordingly."
So how much time could this take? Dr. Bedden says they hope to have the investigation wrapped up by sometime next week, so make sure to stay with News 12 for the latest on this developing story.
If any of the allegations are found to be true, Dr. Bedden says depending on the severity of the act, current employees may face the ultimate reprimand: termination.
I don't know about you, but just the thought of ANY of my teachers from middle/high school getting it on at all, much less on school grounds during school hours, makes me throw up a little in my mouth! But that's why these horndogs have made it to the limelight right here on Dumb News!
Make sure to tune into Farley's Dumb Fun Show every night at 11pm for Dumb News. It's news that makes us all feel alot smarter.
10-03-08
Ok, let's get right down to it with Dumb News! Our first story is one about a teacher who truly, truly puts the "high" in high school...
STERLING, Va. (AP) -- The Loudoun County Sheriff's Office says a music teacher has been charged with marijuana possession.
The sheriff's office says 26-year-old Thomas Doss Jr. sleeping in a parked car in the lot of Rolling Ridge Elementary School in Sterling around 1:30 a.m. Wednesday.
Deputies noticed marijuana in the car and charged Doss with misdemeanor possession of the drug.
Schools spokesman Wayde Byard says Doss was hired this year and has taught orchestral music at Sterling Middle School and helped with the band at Park View High School.
Byard says Doss previously taught in Shenandoah County for several years. The school system has placed Doss on administrative leave.
No matter where you work, it's usually a bad idea to be there passed out in your car. But a high school teacher?? How wasted do you have to be to NOT think "Boy, it might look bad if somebody finds me here in the parking lot of the school where I teach." Anyway, on to story number two: why trying to pass yourself off as someone else can backfire...
PORTSMOUTH — A New Castle man showed police his friend’s driver’s license to avoid arrest, but was arrested anyway when police learned the friend was wanted on a warrant, according to court records.
Police allege Jared Maddock, 25, of 174 Wentworth Road, was taken into custody on his friend’s warrant, but when his true identity was revealed, it showed Maddock was also wanted on a warrant. Five other charges followed.
According to an affidavit by Officer Erik Widerstrom, he answered a domestic call on Pleasant Street at 11:14 p.m. August 30 and based on a witness description, detained a man who provided a driver’s license identifying him as from North Hampton. The suspect was arrested when Widerstrom learned there was a warrant for the North Hampton man's arrest, according to court records.
Back at the police station, the man confessed he was Maddock and was also wanted on a warrant, his from Exeter District Court for driving after revocation, according to Widerstrom’s affidavit. While Maddock was being booked for that charge, the officer found him in possession of a knife, marijuana and three false driver’s licenses, according to court records.
As a result, Maddock is scheduled to be arraigned in Portsmouth District Court Monday on a count of being a felon in possession of a deadly weapon — a folding knife — with a Sept. 2, 3003 robbery conviction from Rockingham County Superior Court. He is also charged with a class A misdemeanor count of drug possession and three class A misdemeanor counts of driver’s license prohibitions for having three bogus licenses, two from Maine and one from Florida.
I have only five words in response to this story: What a couple of douchebags!
Make sure to tune into Farley's Dumb Fun Show every night at 11pm for Dumb News. It's news that makes us all feel alot smarter.
10-02-08
Dumb News is back once again and I've got a pair of doozies for you this round. Our first story... Well... Just read it.
WHITE PLAINS, N.Y. (AP) _ A handcuffed man was hit by two trains on a commuter rail line Wednesday morning, and authorities investigated whether the death was a suicide or a homicide, officials said.
William Jenkins, 34, had sent a distraught text message to a friend hours earlier, and painkiller prescription bottles were found near the body, authorities said.
It wasn't known whether Jenkins, of the Bronx, was killed by the trains or was dead before he was hit northeast of New York City and just north of the Mount Vernon West station, Metro-North railroad spokeswoman Marjorie Anders said.
The Westchester County medical examiner's office said Wednesday afternoon that no cause of death had been established.
Jenkins sent the text message to a friend at 3:25 a.m., Anders said. Details of the message were not made public.
The man, apparently lifeless, was spotted at 6:50 a.m. on the northbound tracks by the crew of a train that carried no passengers, Anders said. The train did not have time to stop before five cars ran over the body.
A check of the previous train that went through the station showed it also struck the man, with the crew apparently unaware, she said.
The body lay under the second train for more than three hours, shielded by a yellow tarp from commuters on the platform, as investigators examined the area. Northbound service was interrupted briefly, but trains were soon using another track.
The handcuffs were sent to a lab for fingerprint tests.
A man gets hit by not one, but TWO trains... Hhhmmm... What could the cause of death be? Boy, that's a real head scratcher! Our next tale is a cautionary one about lighting cigarettes near flammable gases. This should end well, right?
DENVER -- A Montrose man is hospitalized in critical condition after a propane heater in his rental home exploded when he lit a cigarette.
The blast occurred shortly before 8:30 a.m. Tuesday on 61.75 Road in Montrose County.
"When I came down, he was crawling out through the rafters," neighbor Les Cook told the Montrose Daily Press. "I couldn't believe it. I thought he was a goner."
Lewie Wilson, 76, was taken to a Montrose hospital, then flown to North Colorado Medical Center in Greeley.
Cook said the smell of propane was so strong at the home Tuesday morning that he felt woozy. He shut off the propane and told Wilson to air out the house.
A deputy fire chief said that Wilson decided to sit down and have coffee and a cigarette, and that likely ignited the explosion.
Ok, if your NEIGHBOR is woozy because of your propane fumes, having a smoke with your coffee might not be the swiftest move, buddy! He must be a hell of a guy, what with being 76 years old and surviving that blast! Well, that'll do it for this edition of Dumb News!
Make sure to tune into Farley's Dumb Fun Show every night at 11pm for Dumb News. It's news that makes us all feel alot smarter.
10-01-08
Alright, ladies and gentlemen, it's time once again for Dumb News! Our first tale is one about a Good Samaritan who happens to be an idiot...
A rescue mission for two hikers ended with a third rescue after a would-be Good Samaritan became lost.
At about 7:20 p.m. Sunday, rescue officials received a call from a couple who were lost in the Tripler Ridge Trail. The area became cloudy and dark, said fire spokesman Capt. Terry Seelig.
Rescue officials suspended their search due to the weather and told the couple to stay put for the night. The couple, who is in their late 20s or early 30s, was rescued at 6:30 a.m. yesterday.
However the couple did not tell rescue officials of a man they had met overnight. The 27-year-old man apparently heard of the lost couple on the evening news, and without telling anyone set off on the trail to help the couple.
Seelig said the man did not bring anything, including a cell phone, flashlight or water. The man met up with the couple on the trail, who told him they were to stay put until first light. The man then borrowed the couple’s cell phone to tell his wife to pick him up at the Windward Community College the next morning.
It wasn’t until about 10:30 a.m. yesterday that the Honolulu Fire Department received calls about the third missing hiker. Rescue officials found the man with an injured ankle about two hours later.
“We urge Good Samaritan volunteers to coordinate with emergency responders,” Seelig said. “Don’t just set out on your own because that might complicate a situation.”
Don't get me wrong, I'm relieved that the guy wound up ok, but c'mon! You're going on a search for LOST HIKERS and it never occurs to you that it might be a wise notion to gather up a cell phone, flashlight, water, food, and any other thing you might need if you wind up LOST ON A HIKING TRAIL! That's just moronic, dude! Well, that's why you now find yourself on Dumb News! On to story number 2, involving a robbery of an armored vehicle with.. A PRIUS!
KUALA LUMPUR, Malaysia - Two armed robbers hijacked a security van with $1.3 million inside but were forced to abandon more than half the cash because their small getaway car could not carry it all, Malaysian police said Tuesday.
The robbers and their compact getaway car were still at large with $524,000 following Monday's heist near Kuala Lumpur, said district police chief Shakaruddin Che Mood.
The robbers stole a small car then held up guards in the security van at a shopping mall. One robber drove the van away and the other followed in the car, Shakaruddin said.
The van was recovered nearby with nine bags containing 2.7 million ringgit $786,000 inside - evidently because they did not fit in the compact car, the police chief said.
"The bags are quite big. I consider them quite stupid. Their planning was very shortsighted," Shakaruddin said.
"I consider them quite stupid". That's my favorite quote from this story. It takes a WHOPPING lack of foresight to take a sub compact car in order to try and rob and ARMORED VEHICLE! Well, that kind of witlessness is what gets you in the spotlight, right here on Dumb News! Congrats, you dummy!
Make sure to tune into Farley's Dumb Fun Show every night at 11pm for Dumb News. It's news that makes us all feel alot smarter.
09-30-08
Time once again to delve into the stupidity of humanity. Our first tale is one with the moral "How Not to Hug A Cop"...
IOWA CITY, Iowa - A hug has landed an Iowa City man in hot water.
An Iowa City man who thought a police officer just "needed a hug" faces several charges including assault on a peace officer and public intoxication.
Police say 21-year-old Luke Schreder was arrested on Saturday.
According to police records, Schreder ran up to the officer and stuck out his arms. The officer told him to "get away," but Schreder didn't take the hint and embraced the officer.
When the officer told Schreder to put his hands behind his head, he refused. He was then handcuffed.
Here's the deal, slick: if you think a police officer "needs a hug" think before running up on him. That's proof positive that he was messed up somehow, he didn't ask if the officer wanted a hug he just decided he needed one. Way to think that one through, jackass, and welcome to Dumb News! Our next story that reeks of brainlessness is dedicated to all of you "real men" out there who think you can eat anything and everything spicy. Heed the warning, that's all I'm sayin'...
An aspiring chef died after eating a super-hot chilli sauce as part of an endurance competition with a friend.
Andrew Lee, 33, challenged his girlfriend’s brother to a contest to see who could eat the spiciest sauce that he could create.
The fork-lift truck driver, who wanted to cook for a living, prepared a tomato sauce made with red chillies grown on his father’s allotment. After eating it, however, he suffered intense discomfort and itching. The following morning he was found dead, possibly after suffering a heart attack.
Toxicology tests are being conducted to try to establish if he suffered a reaction to the food.
An inquest was told that Mr Lee, from Edlington, West Yorkshire, was in perfect health and had just passed a medical examination at work. He was a keen cook and would often prepare meals for his parents. It is believed that Mr Lee had never prepared a dish as hot as the one he made the night before his death.
Mr Lee’s sister, Claire Chadbourne, 29, said that he took a jar of the sauce to the home of his girlfriend, Samantha Bailey, and challenged her brother Michael, 29, to see who could eat it. “Andrew just ate the chillies with a plate of Dolmio sauce,” she added. “It was not a proper meal because he had already eaten lamb chops and potato mash after work.
“He apparently got into bed at 2.30am and started scratching all over. His girlfriend scratched his back until he fell asleep. She woke up and he had gone. It is incredible. Who would have thought he could have died from eating chilli sauce? We don’t know of anything else that could have caused his death. The postmortem showed no heart problems.
“He loved cooking for his friends. He always said he wanted to be a chef but didn’t want to start at the bottom.”
An inquest was opened and adjourned in Doncaster last week.
I know, I know, I can hear some of you guys out there talking trash. "That wouldn't phase me none! My guts are made of cast iron! Bring on the hot peppers!" So try and find another way to prove your manhood to each other, ok? Or you can be like the dude in the story above: go to sleep itchy and wake up DEAD!
Make sure to tune into Farley's Dumb Fun Show every night at 11pm for Dumb News. It's news that makes us all feel alot smarter.
09-25-08
Ok, let's get right down to brass tacks with our first tale of Dumb News. This one comes from the "Hey you might have a problem, buddy" files...
GLENWOOD SPRINGS, Colo. -- Glenwood Springs police arrested the same man on suspicion of driving under the influence twice in a four-hour time period last weekend.
Daniel Ryan Koski, of Glenwood Springs, was arrested after a traffic stop at 11:19 p.m. Friday. He was released from the Glenwood Springs Police Department with a summons. Officers even took Koski's car keys, the Vail Daily newspaper reported.
But that didn'ts stop Koski from being arrested again on suspicion of DUI around 2:30 a.m Saturday. Koski apparently went home, got another key and then went to get his car that had been left downtown after the first arrest, the newspaper reported. Police booked Koski into the Garfield County Jail after the second arrest.
The police chief is not releasing Koski's blood-alcohol content over concerns that publicizing the information could prejudice a jury.
Now, one DUI is dumb enough. Two is moronic. But two in a span of TWO HOURS? That's Dumb with capital D, man! Go to a meeting, Koski, it couldn't hurt. Now on to our second tale of stupidity. This one is a Mother of the Year candidate in Salt Lake City...
A 10-year-old boy who fell from his mother's car while car surfing had to be flown to the hospital. He's in stable condition now at Primary Children's Medical Center.
The boy was standing on the running board of his mother's car, holding the side-view mirror and handles. His mother didn't want to do an interview, but she told me she has let her kids ride like this before and never thought anything like this would happen.
Sgt. Greg Butler, with the West Jordan Police Department, said, "Apparently mom thought that was OK, and it's a hard lesson that she's going to learn."
What seemed like a fun ride at the time proved to be dangerous. Police say the mom allowed her 8-year-old daughter and 10-year-old son to stand on the running boards of their Ford Expedition. They held onto the side- view mirrors and inside handles as she drove a lap around a mobile home park at 8400 S. 4000 West.
She says she was going under the speed limit, about 5 miles an hour.
A witness, Daniel Ramos, said, "He was standing on the plastic, grabbing on the window and holding on tight."
On the phone from the hospital, the victim's mother said she never saw her son fall or let go. When she realized he wasn't hanging onto the vehicle, she got out to find him lying face down on the pavement.
Sgt. Greg Curtis said, "It looks like when she went over a speed bump it knocked him off, and he fell. He impacted his head on the cement. He has some critical injuries."
The boy's mother said, "I was really stupid in what I did," and, "we're lucky, we're so lucky right now."
A report published in 2000 shows over a period of five years, nearly 500 people were killed while car surfing. Since 1990, car surfing-related accidents have gone up 20 percent.
Videos from YouTube show more extreme forms of the game, including a skateboarder hanging on to the back or side of a moving car. It's a stunt police don't approve of.
"Your kids belong inside the vehicle, and they belong seat-belted up. That's how we stay safe," Butler said.
The boy's mother says no parent should allow their child to do anything like this. Police cited the mother with child abuse, driving with a suspended license and having no insurance.
Oh, for cryin' out loud! I don't have kids, but I wouldn't let anyone I cared about, or even liked a little, to CAR SURF! The fact that the mom says she never thought anything like this would happen is a killer! As a parent, or even relatively sane human being, you immediately think of all the ways in which being on the roof of a moving car might just KILL YOU. Congrats, Mom! You're the cream of the idiotic crop of Dumb News!
Make sure to tune into Farley's Dumb Fun Show every night at 11pm for Dumb News. It's news that makes us all feel alot smarter.
09-04-08
Let's dive right into the Dumb News tonight, shall we? Our first tragic tale of tremendous idiocy involves **GASP** BOOZE! Plus a bit more o' tha pic goodness for ya!
A teenager from Teesside has vowed never to drink again after a holiday cocktail caused her head to swell to the size of a football.
Corinne Coyle reacted to the 10 euro mixture of Baileys, chilli, tequila, absinthe, ouzo, vodka, cider and gin.
The 19-year-old spent two days in a hospital in the Greek resort of Malia.
Since returning home she has been treated at hospital in Middlesbrough where doctors said they did not know if her face would return to normal.
Doctors in Greece said the swelling was caused by a chemical reaction and they had seen a similar incident within the past couple of weeks.
She was allowed to fly home on Tuesday and has spent the last two days being examined at the James Cook University Hospital and by her GP. Doctors are still waiting for the results.
She has vowed never to touch alcohol again.
Now for the goodness
I'd say I feel sorry for her but who would ever drink such an alcoholic abomination? Did you see what was in that drink? Let me refresh your memory: Bailey's, CHILI, tequila, absinthe, ouzo, vodka, gin, and cider! Just reading that list makes me throw up in my mouth a little! Sweetums, welcome to Dumb News! Tale numer two is about a guy with no game and super good auto insurance...
NEWPORT BEACH, Calif. (AP) ― A Pasadena man has been charged with trying to run down three women who spurned his advances at Newport Beach.
Prosecutors said Wednesday that Bryan Curiel faces life in prison if convicted of several felony charges, including attempted murder.
Farrah Emami, spokeswoman for the Orange County district attorney, says the women rejected Curiel's advances inside a doughnut shop Sunday and told him to leave them alone.
When they had left the shop, Curiel allegedly drove at least 50 mph toward the women and three of their friends before crashing into several concrete benches.
One woman's foot was run over as she tried to jump out of the way.
Curiel is being held on $1 million bail until his arraignment Sept. 19.
So, when you have no game whatsoever, the next logical step is to try and run the ladies down with your car? Don't worry, I'm sure the guys in the prison shower will think your game is great but not as great as when you drop the soap, genius! Welcome to Dumb News, you no game havin' jackass!
Make sure to tune into Farley's Dumb Fun Show every night at 11pm for Dumb News. It's news that makes us all feel alot smarter.
09-03-08
Alrighty, brothers and sisters it's time for another double dose of Dumb News! Our first story involves a protester so committed she should be... Well... Committed! (With pic yumminess)
Alice Newstead took the drastic action in protest at the practice of finning – where sharks are impaled on hooks, before their fins are sliced off to harvest meat for shark fin soup. The sharks are then thrown back into the ocean still alive.
A crowd gathered outside the Lush cosmetics shop in London's Regent's Street to see the 26-year-old impaled by hooks in her back and gasped as blood trickled down her back.
Miss Newstead said: "I am doing this because the demand for shark fin soup and other shark products is wiping out the shark population.
"I have had my torso, legs, arms, stomach and knees pierced before so that I could hang from them, so this is no big deal.
"Being hung from the chest is more painful than the back because it restricts your breathing, but as long as the piercer knows what they are doing then it is completely safe," she said.
Shark finning has been blamed for pushing many species of the fish to the brink of extinction and since 1970, several species have been reduced by more than 90 per cent.
Miss Newstead, who was born in Northampton and lives in Watford, left her job as a Lush sales assistant in June, so she could work full-time as an artist. She performs with a group called Constant Elevation, whose members specialise in hanging from hooks pierced through their skin."
And now for the pic goodness...
First of all, I've never even HEARD of shark fin soup. Plus, I think the sharks will be alright. They don't have a problem eating us, so I really don't have a problem eating them. I've actually had shark before... No, it didn't taste like chicken, before you ask! Now on to tale numero dos of Dumb News! This one comes from the NFL and, while I tend to leave sports out of this feature, this was too dumb to not use!
A strange thing happened to running back Rudi Johnson when he visited with the Detroit Lions Monday.
Someone stole his stuff.
Seriously.
Specifically, and as we’re told by a reliable source (i.e., not the person who told Mort that Joey Harrington had agreed to terms with the Ravens on Monday, or the person who told John Clayton that Todd Bouman had agreed to terms with the Ravens on Tuesday), Johnson left his bags outside CEO Matt Millen’s office while he met with team officials and, ultimately, worked out a deal with the team.
So when Johnson came back to get his bags, they were nowhere to be found. Johnson and Millen were stumped.
Enter the eye in the sky.
The team checked the videotapes generated by the team’s in-house surveillance system, and they quickly identified the culprit.
So who might it have been? None other than Tatum Bell, who lost his gig with the Lions after Rudi arrived.
Per the source, Bell took the bags to the house of a female acquaintance. When confronted on the matter, Bell offered up some cockamamie story that he thought the bags belonged to someone he knew. The girl, however, said that she hadn’t seen Bell in several months and he showed up out of the blue and asked her to keep the bags for a while.
Johnson has retrieved the bags, and it’s our understanding that charges won’t be pressed.
Tatum apparently didn’t know that he was being monitored.
So... You're upset about losing your job. Who wouldn't be? But to steal the luggage of the guy who's taking your place? And how do you not know there might be cameras? I also heard Rudi's cash and credit cards were missing... He just left the money clip! Man, that's definitely dumb enough to make the cut, unlike poor ol' Tatum Bell!
Make sure to tune into Farley's Dumb Fun Show every night at 11pm for Dumb News. It's news that makes us all feel alot smarter.
08-28-08
Welcome to Dumb News! Another round for you tonight featuring a couple of doozies! Our first tale lets us know how NOT to take hostages...
Just a few hours after an unrelated court appearance Tuesday in Rock Island, a Moline man took five people hostage in a Fort Madison, Iowa, motel and was arrested after he sent two hostages on a beer run, police say.
Police said 33-year-old Jason Slagel, is charged with five counts of false imprisonment and going armed with intent in Lee County. Slagel allegedly pulled a knife during an argument Tuesday night with another man and told the people in the room that they wouldn’t be allowed to leave.
According to police, Slagel got thirsty and sent two of his hostages out for beer. After the hostages left, they called police, and Slagel was arrested without incident.
One man was cut and Slagel had a cut on his hand, but police said the injuries weren’t serious.
Before going to Fort Madison, Slagel attended a preliminary hearing in Rock Island County Circuit Court on Tuesday for a felony possession of a controlled substance charge and pleaded innocent. He had his trial set for Oct. 27.
Moline police Lt. Jerome Patrick said Slagel was arrested at 11 p.m. Aug. 6 after officers were called to a disturbance at Rascals, 1414 15th St., allegedly involving Slagel.
As Slagel was leaving, officers performed a traffic stop and cited him for failing to signal, illegal transportation of alcohol and driving while revoked. He also was allegedly found with less than 15 grams of cocaine, court records state.
Slagel posted bond and was again stopped by Moline police about 10:30 p.m. Saturday for driving while revoked and having a loud muffler on his Harley Davidson motorcycle, Patrick said.
Prior to his recent run-ins with police, Slagel was convicted of felony damage to property and criminal trespass after two home invasion counts were dismissed. The charges stemmed from a April 2004 incident at a Milan residence where he was accused of hitting a woman in the face.
I've never taken hostages, and I seriously doubt I'll ever feel the NEED to take hostages, but if I did... THEY WOULDN'T LEAVE TO GET BEER! What the hell was this dude thinking? (and I use that word VERY loosely) Pretty sure beer might not be something you need in that situation, because if you took hostages when you were sober, there's no telling WHAT you'd do after a sixer of brewskies, but that's why it's Dumb News! The second story involves gasoline and an electric vacuum. This should end well...
A man trying to siphon gasoline touched off a fire this morning that destroyed a van and damaged a townhouse, the Valley Regional Fire Authority reported.
The man was using an electric vacuum cleaner to siphon gas from a 5-gallon drum into his work van in the parking lot of an apartment in the 31300 block of 107th Place Southeast in Auburn. The activity sparked a fire, which quickly spread under the van.
The flames burned a garage and townhouse, the fire authority reported. The occupants tried to contain the blaze until firefighters arrived.
The van was destroyed. The townhouse sustained minor damage.
No injuries were reported.
Hhmmmm... I need to get gas oput of this vehicle and into that one... *scratches head, picks nose*... Crazy straw? *belches and picks his buttcrack*... Naw, the vacuum leaner! That'll fix this up in a jiffy! Have fun with that van genius, and welcome to Dumb News. You earned it, buddy!
Make sure to tune into Farley's Dumb Fun Show every night at 11pm for Dumb News. It's news that makes us all feel alot smarter.
08-26-08
It's amazing how much dumb news is out there! I've got a couple of doozies for y'all tonight! Our first tale of tragic stupidity teaches us the lesson "Check inside the DVD case befoire you sell it"...
When Tracy Holmes of Belleville sold three DVDs for $10 at her garage sale Aug. 15, she thought she was doing well. She was getting rid of some movies that she and her husband hadn't watched in a long time and making a little money as well.
About a week later, when her husband, Fred Holmes, asked her what had happened to the DVD of "Sin City," she suddenly felt sick.
Her husband had been secretly saving up money, at least $1,200 so far, for a Christmas family trip to Disney World in Florida for the couple and their three children, Nick, 11, Trevor, 7, and Isabella, 2.
"He thought apparently (the DVD case) was a great spot to hide it from me, and it was," Holmes said. "I didn't think to look there."
As best she can remember, Holmes thinks the man who bought the DVD was about 6 feet tall and in his 50s or possibly 60s. She's hoping that if she gets the word out, the buyer will return the money.
"My kids are pretty upset about the whole thing, and I feel just heartsick," Tracy Holmes said. "It's always been a dream of mine to go to Disney World at Christmas."
Her husband, who had been saving for a couple of years for the trip, stashed the money behind an advertisement inside the cover of the DVD, she said.
Holmes is asking anyone who knows about the money to e-mail her at nickandtrevsmom@yahoo.com.
Yeah, I'm guessing it's going to take quite some time for her to live this down! All I can say about our second story is: This guy is friggin' SERIOUS about his butter!
OCALA – Ocala police officers arrested a man Sunday morning who they say pulled a knife on members of a church congregation who would not give him butter in the morning buffet. Frankie Lewis, 48, wanted to get some butter in the buffet line at Four Square Church at 118 N.W. Tuscawilla Ave., police spokeswoman Sgt. Angy Scroble said. When he could not get any, he pulled a knife on members of the congregation and said he would cut them.
As he put the knife back in his pocket, a church member hit him with a wooden board, Scroble said. Lewis then fled on a bicycle where officers in the area quickly caught him.
Lewis was taken to the Marion County Jail and charged with aggravated assault with a deadly weapon.
Wow... Look, I'll admit I'm a fan of butter, but... It never occurred to me to threaten someone with a knife to get some! I also love the fact that this dimmest of bulbs "fled on a bicycle"! Yeah, you're going to outrun the cops on your busted up Schwinn! Welcome, 48 year old Frankie Lewis, to Dumb News. You REALLY earned your spot!
Make sure to tune into Farley's Dumb Fun Show every night at 11pm for Dumb News. It's news that makes us all feel alot smarter.
08-20-08
I know it's been a while, but Dumb News is BACK, brothers and sisters! Let's dive right into our first story... On second thought, let us approach it very slowly and carefully...
A 12-year-old Tipton lad has demonstrated why it's a really bad idea to light your own farts in close proximity to a can of petrol, after he did just that and ended up with 18 per cent burns to his thumb and the backs of his legs.
Tipton firemen duly attended the scene of the mishap, but the small blaze resulting from the incendiary tomfoolery had already burned itself out, the Telegraph notes. Watch commander Paul Harpin explained: “The boy had been pranking around in the garden having a competition with his cousin, when they were breaking wind and lighting it. Right behind him was a petrol can and that just flashed. I think he must have won the competition but he will have some nasty burns now."
Officers administered first aid awaiting the arrival of medical operatives who whisked the victim to Russells Hall Hospital in Dudley. Harpin concluded with the obligatory: “It is a warning not to mess around with fire." ®
This is just King Sized DUMB! #1- Lighting your gaseous emissions (yeah, farts) can be dangerous, but this kid? #2- If you ARE dumb enough to try lighting your farts, make sure you're not near a can of GASOLINE, GENIUS! Ok, now on to the next wickedly idiotic tale...
ELKO, Nev. (AP) _ A man accused of trying to extort $500 from a Pizza Hut in Elko was foiled by his own cell phone camera. Police said a former employee of the restaurant allegedly called the manager on Friday and told him he had five Pizza Hut signs that are used on the roofs of vehicles and wouldn't return them unless he was paid $500.
Police said the manager wanted proof that Long had the signs. So the 23-year-old man sent him a cell phone picture that proved to be his undoing.
Officers were able to zoom in on license plate numbers of two vehicles in the background that are registered to the man.
He's been charged with extortion, possession of stolen property and grand larceny. Bail is set at $15,000.
n.. I've no idea how this dude's logic works! So, they fired you and you're angry about it... Ok, so what to do? Well, most of us would just buck up and track down a new job, but not this brain! No, he figured he'd steal the car top signs and demand a ransom for them. Then, as the cherry on top of the idiot sundae, he snaps a pic with HIS OWN LICENSE PLATE visible in it! Well, congrats, dude! You just made Dumb News!
Make sure to tune into Farley's Dumb Fun Show every night at 11pm for Dumb News. It's news that makes us all feel alot smarter.
08-12-08
We were gone, but now we have returned to bring you the news that makes us all feel smarter: Dumb News! Our first tale is a cautionary one in terms of how NOT to react when they won't let you cross the Canadian border into the U.S.!
BLAINE, Wash. -- Canadian officials closed the Peace Arch border crossing at Blaine Sunday night after a woman who was denied entry to the United States claimed she had something suspicious in a bag.
Traffic was diverted to the Pacific Highway crossing about a mile away in northwest Washington, and to the crossings at Lynden and Sumas farther to the east.
A Royal Canadian Mounted Police bomb squad was called to the scene and gave the all-clear about 12:30 a.m. Monday. The crossing reopened about 12:45 a.m.
Inspector Derren Lench, RCMP watch commander in Surrey, British Columbia, said nothing amiss was found in the bag.
The woman tried to enter the United States but was turned back to Canada and, apparently angered, told a Canadian border officer that she had something suspicious in a bag, Lench said.
Further details about the woman and why she was denied entry to the U.S. were not available.
Blaine is 100 miles north of Seattle, and the Peace Arch crossing is the busiest west of Detroit, Mich., and Windsor, Ontario, on the U.S.-Canadian border.
Now, I can understand her frustration, but why not just chew the guy out? No, obviously the solution is to tell them you have something "suspicious" in your bag! Good thing she was denied entry, that lady's not only nuts, but DUMB! Now, onto story number two, this one involving a stripper and her boyfriend and... Well... A knife.
A dancer at a Chandler strip club was arrested on suspicion of aggravated assault Thursday night after police say she stabbed her boyfriend in the back with a kitchen knife - then claimed her boyfriend stabbed himself.
The incident occurred at an apartment in the 2400 block of Pecos Road near Dobson Road.
Police received a call from the victim stating that his girlfriend, Ruby Elaine Bojorquez, 37, stabbed him twice in his lower back. He was transported to a hospital for treatment.
Police said they found evidence of a struggle and a bloody knife on the living room floor.
Bojorquez left the scene before police arrived but was arrested in Mesa later that night, police said.
She acknowledged arguing with the victim, but told police her boyfriend stabbed himself.
According to the report, Bojorquez, who works as a dancer at Sonny's Gentlemen's Club on Arizona Avenue and Germann Road, has a prior arrest for domestic violence and disorderly conduct.
So, he stabbed HIMSELF twice in the LOWER BACK, did he? Riiiiiight... Her story's full of more holes than a bombing range! Good luck with that defense, sweety! Well, that wraps up another edition of Dumb News up in a nice, tidy little bow!
Make sure to tune into Farley's Dumb Fun Show every night at 11pm for Dumb News. It's news that makes us all feel alot smarter.
08-05-08
Welcome once again, brothers and sisters, to the one thing that makes us all feel better about ourselves, Dumb News! Our first story tells a tale of a moron the likes of which I think we've all seen getting far too riled up about his order at any fast food place, and comes to us courtesy of The Smoking Gun...
AUGUST 5--If you're wondering what the guy who called 911 to complain about his Subway sandwiches looks like, well, meet Reginald Peterson. The 42-year-old Florida man became so upset last Thursday when a pair of subs "did not include 'everything' as he had requested," he called Jacksonville cops "so that the police could have his sandwich made to his specifications," according to a Jacksonville Sheriff's Office report. Peterson, pictured in the below mug shot, was arrested on a misdemeanor charge of placing false 911 calls. A Subway employee told cops that an irate Peterson was "screaming at everyone in the business" because a worker could not seem to rectify the sandwich problem. As for the fate of the Subway grub, the sheriff's report notes, "The sandwiches were placed in a trash can at the suspect's request."
What was going through that idiot's head? Calling 911? About your order at Subway? As for the punishment, I'm calling for castration, as we need to make sure that this nimrod doesn't breed, if he hasn't already! On to story number 2 on Dumb News entitled: "How NOT to get rid of wasps"...
Instead of merely getting rid of wasps, a man from Fardal in Western Norway, ended up burning down the garage with his car inside.The senior citizen poured lighter fluid on a rag and lit it. He failed to notice that the woodpile containing the wasp's nest also caught fire. By the time fire fighters arrived, both the garage and the man's car were smouldering wrecks, writes daily newspaper Sogn Avis. He is now waiting to hear if the insurance will cover his loss. "Maybe using lighter fluid wasn't such a good idea, but it was
